I’ve been programming for what feels like a very long time. I started somewhere around 11–13 years old, and it’s just kind of what I do. I’ll play video games now and then because they’re fun, especially with friends, but the constant thing in my life has always been programming. I love it. If I’m not actively programming, I’m usually thinking about it in some way.

Time changed after becoming a parent

Since becoming a parent about a year and a half ago, my relationship with programming has gotten… weird. I don’t have those huge, uninterrupted blocks of free time anymore. I don’t really have time to play games with friends, either. Accepting that took a while. It was a real mental adjustment.

Cassidy has talked about becoming more efficient after becoming a parent, and I think I’ve experienced that too. It’s strange. Before, I had what felt like unlimited free time, and I was happy about that. Now I don’t have anything close to that, but I feel like I get so much more done with the time I do have. I’m not entirely sure why.

Efficiency, urgency, and AI

Part of it might be that I’ve been adopting more AI workflows into what I do. There’s less friction in getting ideas out of my head and into something real. But I also think there’s something else going on. I don’t take my time for granted anymore. I don’t have the luxury of letting ideas just sit around indefinitely.

Because of that, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about knowledge capture. This publication itself is kind of an artifact of that. I need a way to get thoughts out of my brain as they appear, so I don’t lose them. My thoughts are very important to me. I want to build things I enjoy, and ideally things other people find useful too.

The problem is that I’m terrible at just inventing problems from scratch. I can’t look at the world and confidently say, “Here’s a problem people definitely have, and here’s the solution they want.” If I don’t capture ideas when they happen, they’re basically gone. I don’t know where I was going with that exactly, but the need to externalize thoughts feels critical.

Exhaustion and love

The sleep deprivation is real. Parenting is exhausting. It’s also incredibly rewarding. I have zero regrets about having kids. I love my kid to death. I would sacrifice anything for him, without hesitation.

But yeah, it wears you down. I feel threadbare a lot of the time. I know it will get better. There are lifestyle changes that will help, and I’ll get there eventually. Still, it’s hard.

I’ve never felt so much joy watching a person grow and learn. Even talking about it gets emotional. I want nothing more than to provide for my kid and help them grow into the best version of themselves they can be. Parenting is a lot. It’s complicated. I feel like I maybe have 1% of it figured out.

Just getting through it

Some weeks I feel like I’m doing pretty well. Other weeks it’s just a constant struggle. Some of that is situational. My kid is teething right now, dealing with growing pains, and generally feeling under the weather. He has a lot of needs, and those needs take precedence. There isn’t much room left for anything else.

With how my brain works, I really need time to sit with my own thoughts and actually think and do. I’m hopeful that as my kid gets older, some of that time will come back. And when it does, I think I’ll be much better equipped to use it well because of everything parenting has forced me to refine.

For now, though, I’m mostly just trying to survive.